cue the mommy guilt

Surprisingly, over the past several months, I haven't had a lot of mommy guilt about leaving my family.  Because that idealistic, altruistic part of me has been so completely tapped by the notion I'm actually going to complete a Bucket List item, it's been hard to feel anything but enthusiastic and inspired.  I am so ridiculously excited to see this part of the world.  And, because this adventure is so connected with my recovery from cancer, it feels like it was meant to be.  The month I will be gone almost completely overlaps the month I went through the diagnosis to the first surgery two years ago.  It feels like the divine hand of God or kharma or Spirit in my life.

And, let's be honest... being a working mom is incredibly hard.  Frustrating.  Exhausting.  Like all other moms, I feel like I'm never doing anything well - I'm pulled in two completely opposing directions all the time.  I'm the driver of two high speed trains that sometimes are on parallel tracks, sometimes heading straight for each other.  I've virtually stopped traveling the past 6 years and gone part time in order to be the kind of mom I want and need to be but to also to keep just a tiny part of my life for myself.  A month away in an exotic location with only me and only one project to deal with feels like an incredible gift.  A vacation from the chaos, joy-inspiring.

But, it'd be completely disingenuous to suggest that the past few months have been all happy-go-lucky either.  At times, I have felt the most intense, anguishing pangs of guilt I've ever felt.  It's not that daily I'm-not-doing-enough type but sharper.  Over the past week, they've been more frequent.  And today, as I write this in preparation to board my airplane, I have doubts.  Last night, when I cried and cried putting them to bed, I had doubts.  In the dark of last night, I felt the fear I knew during cancer when I thought about what would happen to them if something terrible happens and I don't come back.

I've been holding onto my goals for my family through all of this.  What cancer taught me is that I need to be more responsible for making my children (and husband) less dependent on me.  More attached to each other.  I am the pivot that my family turns on and so, by leaving, I am giving all of them the magical opportunity for knowing love in a different way, allowing themselves to rely on a variety of people for their needs (not just one) and to feel negative emotions without allowing them being all-consuming.  I will also be teaching them that ultimately our individual happiness is up to each of us alone, that our time on this earth is limited and we must make the most of our opportunities.  Or, that's what I hope to teach them.

My friend Valerie said the most helpful thing to me.  She recounted in her own childhood when her mother had to be away for a period of time and her Dad took care of her.

"To this day, that time with my Dad is the thing I remember as the start of my relationship with him.  We are close to this day because he took care of me then," she said.

I can only hope Alex, Sophie and Steve will be able to say the same.  #ibmcsc uae