final notes from home

In the third week of my absence, after a few days of relative calm routine back in TN, my family was back to having a hard time.  It took the form of Alex acting out at school again.  A note was sent home about his behavior and the immediate handling of the issue came from Daddy.  After that, I told him in my harshest Mommy voice, from half a world away via Skype, that his behavior was unacceptable and would not be repeated.  Thankfully, he's still young enough not to know that there was nothing I could do from the UAE and the last couple days of the week ended peacefully, with the direction-following respect-for-the-teacher all little 1st graders should have.

That weekend, I started getting texts from Steve, asking when exactly I was coming home.  It quickly became apparent he was pretty well done with single parenting.  One week to go.

And then the final week:  fall break.  Alex was off school for the entire final week I was gone.  I had asked Steve for months prior to the trip what he had planned for fall break.  His answer changed each week until  the time I left, suggesting there was really no plan at all.  Eventually, I decided I had to let this one go and I truly didn't think about it until the final week, when I learned that the plan was to take Alex to work for half days and then our favorite babysitter would come to stay with him in the afternoons.  Sophie would continue to go daily to her preschool.  I was skeptical it would work for Alex but I bit my tongue, since a goal for this experience was to step back from taking central responsibility for my family's life.  By midweek, there was a new plan and several more texts about how excited they would be to have me home. 

I'm proud to say I didn't feel guilty.  Working motherhood is incredibly, painfully, exhaustingly difficult.  Being good at a career and being a good mother dip from the same well, and over the past 6+ years, I've drained it dry.  I stayed committed to my idea that I came to my CSC experience to grow and have fun and take risks, all of which were happening in abundance.  I allowed myself to live in the precious moment, right where I was.  The fact that my family missed me and realized how important I am to them was a bonus.  #ibmcsc uae